Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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