so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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