I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
