I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
