i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
should my penis look like a turkey
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
