U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
