if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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