blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
