Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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