My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
whose parrot is this?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
