I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
