I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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