Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
