i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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