So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
