I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
