I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
