Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
