i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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