youre lurking in front of me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
