I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
