What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
