thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
