My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
