Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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