i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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