Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
