I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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