is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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