she looked like the before picture.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
