I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
