I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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