Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My vagina is very pro this idea
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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