at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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