"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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