I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
