ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
