He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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