Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
