I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
