it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
cat food counts as protein by the way
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
