Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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