You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
