My nipple is on Facebook.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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