Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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