The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
