when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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