Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
