someone threw a dead crab at me
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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