Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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