i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
