its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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